Familiar Much?

The time is 10.28pm, Monday 4th December 2017.

I am not yet asleep; I am watching a movie. It’s a Marvel Studios’ production. I am a huge fan of Marvel. Other than the fact that their movies are awesome, they know how to cast. If you are not enjoying the movie, you are enjoying the view. Greek gods…

My phone is ringing. It’s a new number. I stare at my phone, then mute it. I would probably sing along to my ringtone; but it’s late. So muting is the only option. I recognize the number from earlier in the day.

I was meeting my friend after a really long time. All we have been doing is communicate through social media. Comment on posts. Like posts. Spruced up by occasional chats in the inbox. She was in Kisumu, and we decided to meet at around 11am on a sunny day. Levine, beloved sister, am just bringing to your attention, next time we meet you are probably going to wait for me for at least thirty minutes. It has got nothing to do with you keeping me waiting; I just feel deep down in my heart that on that day, I may have a valid reason for being late.

We headed to Naivas Supermarket, for some refreshments while catching up.

Just as we were in the middle of exchanging the latest gossip (please read important data exchange) a young man lurch at the edge of our table. Not tall, not short. Dark complexion. I hadn’t noticed him until he spoke. It really is wrong to interrupt such weighty discussions between ladies. I was hoping this was important. Part of my mind was convinced he knew Levine. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Hi…” he said in a tremulous voice.

Hi”, Levine reacts.

My name is Kevin Omondi

***awkward silence***

Levine stares at her phone. I stare at him. He suddenly had my attention. A man who walks to a table of ladies confidently grabs my attention. It doesn’t matter if you speak gibberish, you have that courage, you got my attention.

Ok, I have told you my name how about you also tell me yours…” he says addressing both of us.

Hahaha… I didn’t realize that was the trade,” I remark.

hehe… ok, so what are your names?

Paula

Huh? Pau…

Paula. P-A-U-L-A

Wow. Ok. And you are?” addressing Levine, who has now kept her phone away.

Levine

Lavine

No. It’s Levine, not Lavine

There is actually a difference you know”, I add.

Wow. You ladies have unique names.” He declares, and immediately adds, “But I told you two names and you’ve told me just one each.”

You made the choice to tell us two of your names. That doesn’t mean we are bound to do the same. Does it?” I politely asked. It may not look so in writing, but believe me, it was polite. Sort of. Let’s not dwell on that.

Not really. Anyway, am not sure if you noticed me, but I have been observing you from where we were seated. I just had to come and say hello.

Oh… No we didn’t notice you…” It’s really good to be honest.

You really look familiar you know. I think I have seen you somewhere…” he said with his eyes fixed on me. Levine, God bless her lack of self-restraint, burst into laughter. A cruel mocking laugh with no pretense of sympathy. I could have laughed too, but one of us needed to play the composed role.

Ummm… Let me try to get this… Could it be that I look familiar because a few minutes ago he was busy staring at me before having made the very brave decision to come over and blurt it out… In the process, he suddenly realized how I am familiar because like I said, he had just been observing me… Which makes the issue of my familiarity in his memory (which is still very fresh and dependable) abit confusing. To an extent that his mind assumes I may be familiar from a past incident… It’s possible because it all just happened in less than an hour. Therefore, deducing that I look familiar is simply an affirmation that he has a good and working short term memory; but does not in any way mean am actually familiar.

Ok… I know, I got a little carried away in my thoughts there. It would have easily been a labyrinth in my mind had he not spoken again.

Could I have any of your numbers?” His voice flat and steady.

Wait, you actually want to choose between us whose number you want?” Levine asked him.

Yes. I will appreciate any number…”

Before we discuss whose number you may or may not get, how about we go a little back to the matter of my familiarity to you. Do people still use that line? It’s really getting old you know…” I told him.

Am serious. I must have seen you somewhere…” Hahaha… Like am going to buy that. It could be true. But pffft…

Hahaha… nice try. So whose number do you want?” I asked him.

I will appreciate anyMaybe even both” He scoffs darting his eyes across the table.

You really need to be more specific than that,” I insisted.

She is my sister. You can’t ask for just any of our numbers. And you can’t have both. Just tell us which number you want,” Levine said coolly.

I can even take yours.” He says pointing to Levine. “…as long as it helps me get to her,” pointing to me. Wow dude. Wow.

Aha… So it’s my number you want?” I asked in a calm, unhurried voice.

Yes” accompanied with a little chuckle.

Well why couldn’t you just go straight to the point…” Levine said (gesturing at a bottle of soda on the table) “If you needed this soda, would you have gone in circles before picking it up?

hahaha… no

At this point I was convinced he would just drag himself  away. But he didn’t. He reached out and handed me his phone. I graciously took it. Keyed in my number and handed it back to him. I didn’t save it. How he saves my number on his phone is his business. I just hope he doesn’t include ‘h’ somewhere. To confirm if it’s a real number, he calls me. (this is why I recognized the number)

Ok, thank you. I will give you a call later we talk…

I nodded.

Just then, he rolls away. My number the latest acquisition in his contact list; probably saved with the wrong spelling.

Drama follows you,” Levine says with a cheeky smile on her face.

You have no idea how much, I thought to myself.

Back to this moment. Am staring at my phone as it rings; still not sure of how or if to answer it at all, until the screen goes black. It is late. I am not picking a call from someone I just met earlier in the day; who had all day to call me but chooses this time, and who may or may not want to ‘interrogate’ me to figure out how to manipulate his speech into making the topic of my familiarity sound more believable.

Men, or the boy child, please stop with that line. It may be true, but we are sick of it.

I expect the phone to ring for a second time. But it doesn’t. I go back to watching. Then my phone beeps. It’s a message. It is awash with the words (these are not even words) ‘plz’ and ‘dia’.

I keeeeeeennnnnntttt!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, for those waiting for me to clear the way, am sorry to disappoint you. As long as am still ‘dia’ and familiar, something I will never buy, the jam is going to be here for a while.

I have said this before, am not a popular person. There is no way I am familiar to people. (Remember paranoia?) Even if I am, don’t tell me. And if you tell me, then you are lying. That line is dead.

***************************************

The time is 7.54am, Tuesday 5th December.

With my earphones plugged in, I am listening to music. My phone rings. It’s the same number…

To pick or not to pick… Decisions… decisions… decisions…

101 Random Facts About Me

A few months ago, Princess and I had a writing challenge. We were to each write 50 random things about ourselves. When we submitted our pieces we both agreed that 100 would have been ideal.

Fast forward to this date. I was going through my documents and I felt like, why not give it a go?

Instead of just adding to the other 50, I settled on starting afresh. In that period things have changed. Changes in time comes along with changes in several other things.

So here, have a peak at my life.

1. I was born in 1995
2. I was born of a teacher and a salonist. (Both didn’t last in those fields.)
3. I love my name. Letters L and M are my favorite alphabets
4. I am a Kiswahili and Communication student who cannot speak a minute of Swahili Sanifu.
5. Most of my friends do not understand why I took Swahili. I don’t understand either.
6. I wish I took a more serious course.
7. It seems I compensate for that in the people I get.
8. I prefer listening to music than watching movies
9. I am open minded
10. I like talking politics.

11. I like those who speak their minds. They say what they want and how they want it, no matter how good, ridiculous or hurtful it appears or might be.
12. I don’t consider myself a master of any trade.
13. I really like Oyunga Pala, I have read him since childhood. I also like Kisauti,I feel he treats words with respect.
14. I read several local writers. I like writers, poets and lyricists. They are creators. They build feelings, emotions, thoughts and entertainment out of words.
15. Suits is my favorite all time series. I also find sitcoms like Young & Hungry, BBT, Baby Daddy n Brooklyn Nine Nine, great.
16. I like paying attention to details.
17. I love and fear love in equal measure.
18. Kisumu matatu touts are the funniest people I know
19. I at times think about nothing
20. I am still single.
Update; Not anymore

21. I hope to get my Phd early in life
22. I have grown to like psychology a lot. I have read a lot of books in psychology in recent times. I can even tell Agnes (of Agitah) Luo men like to be praised and why it’s a good thing, coupled with where it matters the most.
23. I use Times New Roman when I run out of things to write. I feel more knowledgeable working on that font.
24. I don’t like watching TV. I only watch when I have specific news bit am looking for otherwise I can just spend a whole day looking at the plasma like an unwelcome mirror.
25. I listen to Jeff and Jalas on Hot 96.
26. I like Kenyan music. I am a huge fan of Khaligraph Jones
27. Internationally I like Kendrick Lamar and J Cole
28. I am not good for your heart, body and soul.
29. I have exceptional listening skills. I have a good memory. Not unless I decide to use the selective recalling method.
30. I am good with names. I like to refer to people by name from time to time when communicating.

31. I prefer telling stories to a noisy group in informal settings. I lose my punch line in stories when many people concentrate at what I am saying. I don’t like being the center of attention.
32. I don’t like being the smartest person in the room.
33. A large part of my personal life never get to social media.
34. My favorite handle on twitter is @novelicious.
35. I can stay for days without logging in to Facebook, a week without twitter and months minus Instagram.
36. I like leading a private life (don’t bother that I pour all the shit here)
37. I prefer collaboration to competition
38. I am a night person. I rarely do shit in the morning.
39. Isn’t it ironical that I am an early riser?
40. My grandma is on the verge of being fully convinced am either gay or not functional.

41. Everyone I know has their own slang for sex. Mine is thwocks. Make a sentence using that word you will get how ridiculous it sounds.
42. I easily strike conversations. I can handle talks even with a total stranger.
43. My backing off game can be great or bad. Depends on the 5Ws and H.
44. Generally, I am a different person to different people. It is based on the 5Ws and H.
45. I’d rather not try at all than try and lose. Been working on changing it for a long time.
46. That is why I did not learn how to ride a bike till last year but one.
47. I just can’t get what’s up with guys in the village who keep asking whether I am the eldest or youngest kid to my parents. I am neither, and I hate explaining shit.
48. I know what it means to be vulnerable to someone.
49. I believe that once we have something going we will always have it. We can go for a break for a week, months or even ten years. When we meet we will pick it up from where we left.
50. At the moment I am not sure what I want in life. Sometimes I want to do good stuff, make contributions to the society. Other times I just want to disappear to a lone island.

51. My favorites change often. In fact I am surprised how my favorite person has kept intact for such a long time.
52. I have never watched any episode of Prison Break.
53. I like chicken and fish
54. Chapati
55. I tend to use any name that crops up in my mind when arranging stuff on my computer. You now know why I say most of the times when asked that I have no movies or series. Trying to remember those names take time.
56. I have smoked cigarette once. Weed more than once.
57. I have also done illicit brew some times.
58. I am not a foodie
59. I don’t like eggs
60. I get bored or distracted so fast.

61. I like giving compliments. Most so when people deserve it. Though I am poor at receiving compliments.
62. I don’t know how to give 100% in something. I am just trying.
63. I have articles I wrote that I am embarrassed to read now. I just look at the titles and never read them. (One was posted here). I also don’t delete either.
64. My favorite number is 4 since childhood.
65. I don’t have a favorite day of the week. Any day can be a feel good day.
66. I can live without mobile network and internet.
67. Most people think that I am a Out of Site Out of Mind kind of person. Yes, they think right.
68. If I like you, you have to know.
69. My phone and PC wallpaper and screensaver are all PepperLife logo.
70. I like everything about PepperLife, starting from our readers.

71. I love my writing partner.
72. I am not a sucker for fashion. In fact I wear anything I can get my hands on when I want to leave.
73. Yet I have hit the runway more than once as a model.
74. I care just a tiny little bit about what people think about me (enough to help safeguard my reputation).
75. I believe people should do whatever makes them happy. As long as it doesn’t affect others.
76. I like the smell of toasted bread in the morning.
77. I email myself stuff from time to time as a means of transferring documents from the PC to the phone.
78. I have continuation problems. Like it can take me another year to complete this list if I don’t do it in one sitting.
79. The only time I call someone bad words is when I am kidding. I can call you really bad names when I am working you up.
80. I don’t know how to engage in a fight, verbal or physical. Not unless protecting someone I love.

81. I am slow (very very slow) to anger.
82. I like the view in Kericho when travelling. I find the tea zones so beautiful.
83. I want to revisit Mombasa and the Kenyan coasts any opportunity I get.
84. After Mombasa I want to go to Turkana.
85. I like how the sun sets in Kisumu
86. I subconsciously touch a lot when I really like someone. On the other side I feel weird when touched a lot.
87. The people I interact with think they know me. Funny what people think.
88. I like my ladies BBW. Writing this makes me question if it has anything to my liking of BMW.
89. Just when I thought I was settled, earlier this year we came to a mutual agreement with Vanessa Mdee that whatever we had could not work out. Giving me a green light to take my relationship with Mayonde to greater heights.
90. I don’t shower daily

91. I brush my teeth when I shower. I caught this from the sweetest taboo.
92. I suck at lying. I also don’t like liars. But if you have to lie to me, please be creative.
93. I can take any joke, no matter how brutal. Just be ready to receive in return.
94. Just start a conversation I will do my best to keep it lively.
P.S. To my friends who complain that I never start conversations; I learned that it costs nothing and of late I hope you realize I have improved. If not, I am working on it.
95. I think kissing is so weird when you think about it. You decide to taste the lips of each other to express emotions. Also…
96. The type of stuffs you hear when you meet open ladies is weird. “You handle this ass like its some fire going to burn you, like you are not sure that it’s yours. Babe this ass is yours fully.
97. I have got a kid brother. He is so bright and sharp. Both book and crook smart.
98. At some point our voices sounded exactly the same on phone (nowadays he has bass). I enjoyed getting him ladies on his behalf (His loss)
99. Whenever I hit the bar alone it’s almost given I will have a cold beer in a corner.
100. I never liked reading until recently.

101. After reading this list someone will think that they know me. Once again, funny what people think.

Hello Ex Friends

Hello Ex friends,

It’s been a while. I am doing really fine; how you are doing is your own personal issue right now. Why am I writing to all of you now? Well, lately I have been thinking about all of you. How my time with each of you was, and I just felt I should write something about that. I initially planned to write an anonymous story on another blog that would have featured all of you, but well, here we are. I know you all wouldn’t mind; and even if you did, you have no say. Anyway, just know none of your names will be featured here.

So straight to the main thing. What happened? My time with each of you was wonderful, some of you made me almost believe in the whole life-time-BFF thing; then the inevitable happened. We went our separate ways. Was it me? Don’t answer that, really irrelevant at this point. But it would be good if some of you would one day send me the cliché message ‘hey, it’s not you. It’s me’. Then maybe I would have gotten some closure and wouldn’t be here right now writing to all (is it 5, 6 or more) of you.

Ex 1. Remember that one time when we all, for lack of a better word, hated that other person? No? Well I do remember that time. Because you and I made such good memories and had fun times finding faults and things to laugh at in the other people. It was so much fun because in as much as it was your idea, I found it interesting to have something to do with you. Can you imagine my shock when the two of you actually became BFFs? Trust me, the look on my face at that point was priceless. I was hurt; not because of the new bond, but because you dumped my ass so fast and hard I think I broke a bone. Anyway, I accepted it. I did my best to be friends with you on my lower level, but time and distance may have been on your side. I moved on.

Ex 2. Wow. You have broken my heart more times than I would want to admit. Sometimes I think I have learnt my lesson with you, then you show up, all humble and needy and I fall for it. You shower me with love like never before; and it really is intoxicating. You my friend, might just be my drug. You know, cocaine. You are bad for me, but am addicted to you. I should know better, I know, but damn! Anyway, the numerous times you broke my heart, I always rose. I would take you back in the blink of an eye, but am not sure if I can do that anymore. See, before I considered you as family; and now? Naah… You and I were more than just friends; I would do anything for you. I kept your secrets. I advised you where necessary. I loved you. I confided in you. Then one day you left. You changed your number; and you became tight with all those who hated me. It still breaks my heart. It is because of you that I actually decided to write this. And since we are being honest, I still stalk you online. Maybe even daily. You look happy with your new life, and in as much as it hurts me, am happy for you.

Ex 3. Where do I begin with you? I only added you to this list because I started thinking of all my ex friends. Among them, you were the bitchiest. (Since Word didn’t underline that it means it’s an actual word). Why am I saying you are the bitchiest? You deliberately tried to sabotage a good thing I had going. I tried my best to forgive you, but you and I, nope. You were a mistake from the beginning. How’s your new life by the way? Good? I don’t really care about it. Just enjoy your life. Bye Felicia!

Ex 4. You are among the latest. You and #2. You haven’t fully settled down at the Ex zone but you are already there. All I need to do is shut the door on your face now. And that will be done shortly. I just have some things to get off my chest with you first. Expect my call anytime from wherever. You and I started really well. I being the conservative type decided to take some time to know your intentions before ever opening up to you. So when I finally did, it felt good. Because you always had my back. I would come to you with a silly thing I did, or was planning to do and you were on my team. Then one day, you met one of the people that actually made my life a living hell, and just like the others in this list, you drifted. (I am noticing a pattern here.) Your betrayal hurt me because it happened right under my nose. I mean, I saw it coming, but somehow I just hoped it wouldn’t happen. But it did, right after I opened up to you. Why would you do that? Anyway, I will revisit your situation. Am still in shock.

Ex 5, 6 and the many more. There is nothing to tell you. Some of you are history. No hard feelings though. You don’t expect me to talk about all of you now, do you?

The no hard feelings thing goes for all of you, except #2. I still can’t wrap my head around it. Anyway, why did you all decide to betray me? Do you people know how much of a good friend I was to all of you? Of course you don’t. How could you when the only thing you ever thought about was yourselves? Am I mad at any of you? Hell yeah! Am very mad. Extremely mad. I am a fragile person, and the moment you all learnt of that you ducked the other way. What is wrong with you?

You know I wouldn’t have been so mad if some of you had just walked away with some decorum. But no, you had to spill some of my secrets. You had to rub it in my face that I was just a phase and you were now moving on. I get it, it’s your life, now if only you wouldn’t use your lives to ruin mine we would be in a better place. Don’t you all think so? I think so. I kept and am still keeping the information about most of you as I know it’s the right thing to do. Spilling some of the things I know would ruin your current lifestyle choices and I don’t roll like that. Believe it or not, am a good person.

All in all, after thinking about my time with all of you, I realized one thing. It’s not me; it’s never been me. It’s you.

Yours Exly, (I’ve made this up)

Paula.

 

***PS. Hey future friends, when you see me hesitant with this friendship thing, just know am very skeptical, paranoid, and I have a lot of trust issues***

Q&A WITH LEWIS MARTIN

The other day I was talking with a long gone friend. She suggested a coffee meeting in town. Instead of worrying about what to write here while at the same time trying to come up with what to wear when I will be meeting her, or even to fail honoring the meeting altogether, I deemed it fit to have content from you. Please don’t crucify me, it is not that I value this place less, it is only that this is an ex I will be meeting. She cleared school when I was in my second year. She was the sweetest taboo. So I have to give it a good thought.

I was surprised that some people had been waiting for a chance to ask me questions, I don’t know why they have never got to me and asked before. I am an easy person and open for talks, even small talks. So feel free.

Here are your questions and the answers;

Q. What would you do if money wasn’t an object?

A. In my life all I want is to travel. I want to experience different cultures. I want to watch topless women on the beaches in Rio De Janeiro. I want to view the earth from a hot air balloon in South Africa. I also want to see tall buildings and see the wonders of the world. I will create a museum in Seme with a piece from every traveling destination I get to.
I would also get a huge chunk of land and create LewisMartin forest. A place I would dissappear to when I want to go away and interact with the wild as I appreciate the work of God.

Q. If you could go back in time what do you think you could do differently?

A. Well, mostly I have made good decisions in life but if I was to go back in time I would not take a degree in communication, it’s not like it’s bad, I would go for a skill like Web design and the likes. I would even do more sciences and mathematics. I feel I wasted a bigger part of my brain taking easy courses. I did not even have to read or attend classes and I don’t remember getting a retake, not unless they give me one at the moment.

Q. Are you married?

A. I am not married yet. Though those guys back at home have started asking suggestive questions. I hope when they get me leads it won’t be someone who wants to sign a prenuptial agreement.

Q. Are you dating?

A. Nop, I am single.

Q. How deep in of a crush do you have for your blog mate?

A. Eheh well Paula Norah is what I would call beauty meets sophistication. She is the most beautiful lady I know. I like everything about her. We can easily talk about anything in the face of the earth. Some even out of the earth. I would say she is atypical. You guys interact with her every other week in this platform and you can attest she sure is worth her weight in gold. All that combined, I love her, so not a crush.

Q. What is your most Outstanding Character?

A. This is a question that is best answered by someone else who knows me well other than me. But I would say I am spontaneous.

Q. What are your greatest and most embarrassing moments as a writer?

A. I have had some great moments as a writer mostly when I go to some place and someone out of nowhere tells me, “Hey, I have been reading your work.”
The other day I attended an event full of the Kenyan celebs; musicians, actors,media guys and even the great business guys in the country. It made me feel good about being a writer. The event with Khaligraph Jones, Fena Gitu, Elani, Nyashinski, and several big shots in the capital, it was more like a Kenyan Music Academy night. Then you interact with such and have drinks on the same table with nobody all over them. It was a great event.
About the embarrassing moments, I don’t think I have faced any yet.

Q.Its actually raining around here and I’ve always wanted to ask you what’s your frequent thought when its raining heavily and you’re just staring at the raindrops and you have your thoughts magnified?

A. I was born in Kisumu city, at some point in life shit happened and we had to return to the village. We left everything in town and headed home empty handed. Our house in shagz was what befits the term shackle. It was a small grass thatched one room house. The grass on the roof was placed such that the side of the bed was well done while, on the other side you could be able to tell any changes on weather conditions. You would feel the strength of the sun when a sun ray pierced through, and count stars as well as see how big the moon was by looking through the roof. That would tell you what it was when it rained. In short rains were nightmares and it sickened us. While other kids would be rejoicing and playing on the rains, with us it was as if rains were a way to ridicule us for being poor.
Well, the situation changed to the better after some years. That is why nowadays when I see the rain and just look at the raindrops, all I say is, “God you are good.”
There is also another part of me which wants to get someone pretty and go get soaked in the waters as we do inappropriate things in the rain.

Q. Biggest challenge as a writer in PepperLife

A. My biggest challenge as a writer in PepperLife is also my greatest motivation. The challenge is having a great partner. Paula writes so well, you read her articles and feel that she has done good. She writes with passion that keeps growing. People rave about her, I go to places and people talk about how awesome my partner is. It is really good, but wait till you open Ms Word and you want to bring a piece to life. I do feel like I would bring shit and this is a good motivation. It is really not comparing stuff, it is just the feeling that you won’t want to go down when she has taken the bar so high. So she better keep it going the way she has always done it.

Q. Are you interested in men?

A. Yes, I am interested in both men and women. Given that I am a man I have to be interested in men, like I have to know what men face in daily lives. I have to know what fatherhood and marriage life entails, coz with time I am going to be a dad and a husband. I have to interact with different men and see how life is for them. I am interested in men in all things except sexually, I am straight like a wall.

Q. What do you think about your university friendships?

A. I had a very good stint in campus. I at times miss the place. That would only be possible with my friends. I had great friends. They impacted my life and I also impacted their lives I believe. Without the friends I would be an animal peg in a soggy ground.

Q. How many ladies have you dumped and what was the reason?

A. I am not really the person who dumps ladies. I am a person who is open minded, we just agree on what we both want from the word go. We can always agree about these things, it is never that serious.

Q. What do you think of Kenya?

A. I think Kenya needs more men like CJ David Maraga. People who will uphold the rule of law and with the fear of God.

Q. Have you found your dream girl?

A. Yeah.

Q. How and when did you decide to be a blogger?

A. I have always wanted to be a writer. In my second year I was already writing for a publication. The problem is that websites would start on a good path but then on a need to gain quick traffic they would go to sensational news and I would quit. I definitely cannot write on something I don’t like. I kept writing and keeping them or sharing with only one person who did a good work keeping the fire in me burning. I am sure I couldn’t have started blogging on my own, I kept letting procrastination have the better of me. So with the immense help from my partner(sole reader, editor and critic by then), early this year, I got a feet. Shortly after, we moved to this site together as partners.

Q. You run PepperLife with Paula. How’s the partnership like? Is it a 50-50 partnership/ a Co CEO situation or does one of you get a higher percentage if it were to be in terms of shares?

A. PepperLife is a balanced and equal partnership. Everything goes 50-50.

Q. I always doubt your relationship with Paula. Are you dating or have you ever dated?

A. We are not dating and we have never dated. We are great friends though I am not ruling out that option.

Q. Would you be a man and confirm in this blog that Paula is your dream wife?

A. Yes, I will be a man and confirm that she is a super lady, any man will be extremely lucky to have her.

Q. If Lewis Martin wasnt taking kiswahili mawasiliano, what would be his career now?

A. I am really not sure about that, by the time I was headed to that course I didn’t even know what I wanted, at one point I was thinking of KMTC. What I am sure though is that I would still be writing no matter the place I ended.

Q.If Lewis Martin was to write a book on his life, what would the title be?

A.IT IS EXACTLY WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE’. One day you might meet it in a bookstore. I know it will be looking relaxed like a guy on holiday at the coast who just wants peace and a good time, please smile at it and strike a conversation. The conversation might lead to other things.

Q. Are you ever curios of who you’d be in an alternate universe, like if you were born maybe in a different time, to a different family and in a different environment. Or who do you think you would be and what talents would you think you’d have?

A. In another universe, I would be a pigeon. They are never into anybody’s business. They are just peaceful and relaxed. They have a way of just keeping it together. They don’t crave too much attention, they are happy with what they got. Those are the things I like. I know I would fit in that team.

Q.If you were to go back in time relationship wise, what would you do differently?

A. I would keep everything the way they were except maybe slow on my rebounds game.
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I really tried answering most of the questions. Someone wanted to know if I had taken supper one night and she insisted I answer it here. Yeah, I had taken supper. A cup of tea, bread and cake.

I think this is a session I will be taking annually as I think of a way to drag my partner to have a session of her own. I mean, if she was one of the guys who used Sarahah, she can easily handle this.

Thanks for your questions, if at all you still have some for me, wait till next year same period.

Paranoia Or Just Too Much Fear?

I am not a popular person. I would say am not a celeb but let’s all agree there are no celebs in Kenya. We just have popular people. I freak out when people look at me when am walking on the streets. I freak out when they try talking to me. How am I supposed to meet ‘Mr. Right’ when every time someone attempts to have a conversation with me I think of sprinting to the left? By the way, there is no such thing as Mr. Right. No such thing. It’s a made up sham to prey on the emotional balance of vulnerable women who have been hurt a lot. But it provides hope though.

I also freak out over minor issues like too many friend requests in a day. Before accepting, I go through the mutual friends list and ask myself why would this person send me a friend request? Did one of these mutual friends whisper something about me and now curiosity got the better of the person? Is someone out there sharing a link to my profile? It can’t be my posts, I tell myself, because sometimes even I am shocked when I read some of the things I write. This week, I received over 100 friend requests in a span of two days. That freaked me out.

When I open my mobile data in the morning and find over 10 conversations on WhatsApp, especially when there is no group message, I freak out. Like I said, I am not a popular person. Even among my friends. I am the kind of friend who will have a lively conversation with you but there are minimal chances that I started that conversation. It’s never fully pride; I just really suck at small talk. Like skip to the point already! So when I find such messages on my phone my first instinct is to ask myself ‘damn it girl! What did you do?’ It is a relief when I find it’s just a lot of hello(s) and hi(s). But it’s also questionable. Like why are they all saying hi to me today? What have they heard? What are they driving at?

I am a very paranoid person. I overthink situations, and not with a positive angle, I think towards the negative. My What Ifs are 99% of the time towards the negative, and in equal percentage towards life threatening situations. I can’t help it. I have tried. I also fear a lot.

When I was still a child, at around 8years or younger, I accompanied a group of school mates to a home whose owner I did not even know. There was a funeral going on and the late was somehow relevant to my school at the time. Even after several warnings of ‘Do not follow people to their homes’ ‘Come straight home after school’ and ‘If you want to go to a friend’s place, ask for permission’. On that day, I did not even think twice, I just followed people. In a matter of minutes, we were in the home. Then there was a line. And it was full of my schoolmates, so I went and joined it, and slowly the line started moving. I did not know where we were headed, I just followed them. It was not until I also turned my head to the right like everyone that I saw what the line was for. We were viewing the body. Before that day, I knew when someone dies; they immediately go to heaven if they are good and hell if they are bad. No one mentioned the motionless body being part of the equation. I freaked out and froze on the line. This was someone I didn’t even know and there I was staring at what used to be him.

For over a year, I could not be sent into a dark room and go willingly. I would tiptoe to the room already having a panic attack, switch on the lights and once am halfway calm, I start imagining things. What if I turn my back to search for whatever I was sent and then something comes in and I don’t know…does something bad to me? Because I was already paranoid and scared, I would not have enough time to search and instead I would quickly run out of the room without switching off the lights and innocently say I haven’t found whatever it is that I was sent. Someone else would be sent and they come back with it almost immediately.

I watch NatGeo Wild more times than I would want to admit. I know so much about animals now. I know how to differentiate a crocodile from a monitor lizard. Since am being honest here, there is no point in knowing the difference. When you see any of them, RUN! I know some animals I never even imagined existed. It is common knowledge that hyenas are very selfish and gluttonous animals. This is true, but wait until you hear about the Tasmanian devil tiger. Small predators but they are so mean and selfish. The children chase away the mother just to eat as they fight amongst themselves. NatGeo Wild is a great channel, unless they are showing doctors biting sheep balls off, then it gets disgusting and you can never unsee that.

As a constant NatGeo Wild watcher, I thought the knowledge on everything I fear would help me relax. Instead, I now have more reasons to overthink and thus keep my paranoia at an increasing rate. The other day I was taking photos in the compound and then I remembered a segment in the channel where a snake hid in a very similar tree. That was the end of the photo session.

I have always had an ardent fear of spiders growing up, I still do. However, my fear of the real thing is not such a big deal as compared to the fear I have towards all the imaginary spiders in my head. I once ran away from a room because my own hair brushed unexpectedly on my neck. It is not helping that I have an overactive imagination. When I see more than one ant around, I imagine there is something sweet somewhere around, which could mean there is a bee or two around. And what are the chances that that bee has not attracted a bear. What are the chances?

For someone like me who also has a fear of irregular patterns, and a cluster of small holes and bumps (Trypophobia), opening links with the caption ‘Top 10 most disgusting things in the world’ or ‘This woman was uncomfortable and when she visited the doctor…this will shock you’ or ‘17+ strange places where dangerous animals hide’ is not an option. I have however out of curiosity opened some links; I am still recovering from that sight. My skin still has goosebumps when I think of such times. When a part of my skin gets itchy, I imagine all sorts of negative things related to whatever link I opened last.

Is this paranoia or just too much fear? Don’t tell me it’s the same thing.

I could go on and on about my paranoia, and fears but am already feeling bored of typing.

JOURNEY TO REDEMPTION

There are some moments you never want interrupted. You want to keep them in any medium possible and play them anytime you feel like. Such moments could come when you are at the shore of Lake Victoria, as the afternoon breeze smashes on your face, gets past your ears and you feel your body blocking its flow. The waves of the Lake flow gently with a little sunshine giving the breeze all the time in the world to ask yourself why you took so long to get to that place. Besides you stands a gem, with vivacious features and eyes that sparkle brightening your day. It is her idea that you are there in the first place.

You move close to this beautiful being as if to point to her something on the visible shore across you, and you steadily move your left hand to rest on her lower back, your right hand still on your side. Just when you are slowly moving your left hand even lower, your phone starts ringing. Phones never let you have your moments. I believe phones are the neediest devices in this world; they don’t want you concentrating on any other thing. If your phone has ever rang at such a moment to remind you that you belong to this world, then you will get it.

You are torn between picking that phone and just silencing it. You then check it only to find it is that call that you cannot miss. It’s mum calling, and when mum calls, you will pick. She is enquiring why you never got home the previous day. Apparently she had saved you some food knowing you will get home. She is worried that you have not stopped your behavior of randomly coming up with plans and go missing.

Just after the call, a new number pops up on the screen. It’s a lecturer informing you that he will be assessing you the next day. That means you have to go back to your work station. You have to leave the beautiful view of the lake behind and get back to the crowded madness which is the city of Nairobi. You break the news to the beauty and already notice the disappointment in her voice as she asks you if there is a chance that you might not go. Those are hard times, hard choices. You have to weigh your options. Well, you know you have to travel, and again there stands the lady you have been waiting to spend the evening with. Quite a tempting offer she gives you. You take in the breeze one last time as you stroll by the shore waiting to watch the sun setting in the horizon. Evening first approaches and you head back to the house bidding your better half a kiss goodbye, and just like that you are on the road.

My life happens in a flash. I rarely plan for stuff I do because it has proven time and time again that I do not get to those places. I know of people who plan their life in a diary and religiously stick to it. That is pure genius. I am one of those people who live life in the fast lane; you can wake me up from my sleep and tell me that we are heading for a trip, and I show up whatever the time. All I need is a reason and accessibility. Motivation is always on point.

I remember how I left my village the other day. I was ploughing the farm when I received a call informing me that there was a gig opening for some few days in Kisumu. I headed home, and even without taking a shower, I changed into fresh clothes and off I went. I told guys at home that I will return in the evening. Three weeks later, they are still waiting for me. I had left home without any set of clothes to change and yet here I was, going to spend one week in town. I am not sure if that’s crazy, I only know that I will survive. I would have to make do with what I have. Isn’t that what creativity is for?

One time seeing that beauty out, I had bent next to her. She then pulls up my shirt and on asking why she says she wanted to see the brand of boxer that I had on. I don’t know what she would say if after some days she would look and see that I am still in the Gildan brand. Or wait, did she notice and just keep quiet about it? I now have the sudden urge to ask her about it.

This has been me for a long time. In school, I didn’t know whether I would get back to the house by evening or not. I never knew where the sun would set in with me in. I stopped going to bashes because almost each and every one I attended, I would wake up in unfamiliar territories the next day. I had even started influencing my friends. One time a brother of mine got into a vehicle heading to school, and he ended up meeting a stranger who offered him some lunch she was carrying. After enjoying the scrumptious meal, he found himself at the lady’s house the following morning.

Living an adventurous lifestyle has its setbacks. I am missing out on opportunities in my career and even relationships. Having lost my focus on what I prime in life, I am now convinced that it was a phase that I am soon growing out of. This is the most serious statement I have ever written in my life.

After deep thought, I am considering quitting this life. It is not for me anymore. Times are changing, and responsibilities are piling up my way. If you were like me, what has helped you out throughout the months, or even years?

The ‘Man’ In Every Woman

You will understand the featured photo as you go on.

I am the worst patient ever. I know this for a fact. I have an ardent fear of anything medicine related which means I can take even 10minutes to swallow a tablet, even one that is sugar coated. I hear there are such. I don’t have the guts to taste any. I will just take my sweet time thinking about what angle to use when throwing the tablet in my mouth, to avoid any tongue-tablet contact. I don’t care if the tablet is tiny. Those are the worst! Other than that fear, I am stubborn. With that comes the need to be pampered. Like let’s say you want me to eat, talk to me nicely. Seduce me with your words such that I don’t just submit to the food but to any other order you issue. Talk to me like a child. Feel my temperature at intervals of 5minutes and most importantly, yet the most silly, ensure my phone does not run low on power.

As a patient, I can be very petty and by extension, exaggerate any situation. When I have the flu, you will think it’s a chronic illness or some ‘mathematics’ malaria. I mean the +++ ones. I will easily win your pity. The most I can do at such a time is cuddle up in bed and look pale. I can do that so well. It’s not a choice. It’s an involuntary reflex setting my body reverts to when am sick. In short, as a patient, I can sometimes be a pain in the ‘you know what’. (Feel free to read that as you may please. A three-letter word would suffice.) You can imagine the frustration in everyone when I had a sick scare recently. If there is such a thing.

Where am I going with this? When I had my sick scare, my Mum told me, “You are the only one among my children that I still don’t know how to handle when sick. You fall sick like your Dad.” Which I think narrowly translates to I fall sick like a Man? I don’t know. That is how I interpreted it. So it’s what we will all go with. No debates. In addition, it’s a known fact that men fear being sick.

This statement got me thinking. If I can fall sick like a man, what else that’s known about men do we women do? And I came up with this.

According to some article on the internet, a study actually, one of the facts known about men is that they lie six times in a day, while women lie three times. I don’t know how true that is, but I will not question the internet. Not after all the years of relying on it for all my assignments. However, if it is true, then I have some emphasis on that. First off, everyone lies. The men just happen to lie more in a day. Women however, have a tendency of linking unrelated situations together, which comes as an added advantage to them when lying. For example, the car is linked to the phone, which is linked to food, which is in turn linked to cleaning the house, and further linked to the story you as a man once mentioned three years ago. So with all these linked together, women need to lie less, because when caught in a lie, they can easily manipulate their way around a situation and instead link it to the other unrelated situations. Men, will have to come up with a lie to cover that lie. But the bottom line is, men lie. Women lie.

It is common knowledge that men forget a lot. And women remember a lot. As I have stated above, women link everything to everything. A trait that has seen men losing almost every argument they engage with women. Especially if you have a history together. However, women also forget. What triggers their memory is the ability to link a situation to an irrelevant one. A good example:
Man: I met Jane today. She said hello.
Woman: Jane…Jaaa…..Jannnnee….Jane Jane Jane…Jane. Which Jane is that?
Man: She used to work in the shop next to….
Woman: Aha! Jane. The one who had to move out of her husband’s house at night?

What a man can do, a women can do better? Really? What a man can do, a woman can do. Just that. Well except getting another woman pregnant.

There is something about a man, laziness, carelessness and disorganization. I can’t quite put a finger on it, but it’s there. I have more male friends than the female ones. So I know what am talking about. Besides, who said I need to have a huge number of people that I can sample from? IPSOS publishes their findings all the time and not even once have I heard anyone say they were part of the survey. The things I have mentioned, are not just associated with men, get a woman to feel comfortable with you and you will be surprised at how much the ‘men’ in women is paramount.

Men, ok I will say most men, thrive in disorganization. There is no specific order in which things are arranged in a man’s house. As long as there is a space, and the item fits, it will be placed there. Until it’s needed. Then the search begins; introducing new forms of disarrangement until the needed item is found. For example, why separate the shirts, trousers and socks? Why not pile them up together and only engage in a serious search party when you need one? You think only men do this? Think again.

I had a friend in school who never saw the need to separate his clean clothes from the dirty ones. He relied solely on his sense of smell and sight. Who says women are any different? They may be more civilized enough to separate the clean ones from the dirty ones, but not always. The jeans are an exception. (I won’t talk about bras, ladies know themselves). The jeans are always clean, it does not matter how many times they have been worn. They are always clean. Another man-thing in a woman is the need to just do nothing, and possibly have someone else do it. Laziness.

“Ablutophobia. Ablutophobia is a persistent fear of bathing or any other form of cleaning activity. It is found to be more common in children and females.” I will not even talk about that. It’s completely open to interpretation. (Photo relevance comes in here) Let’s move on…

Ever heard of an alpha male? Well, there is an alpha female too. She has her own pack. She determines which way they go. She determines who can join the pack and most importantly, you cannot even think of dating her ex. When you have an issue with the alpha female, as a member of the pack, kindly humble yourself and take the high road, or else, she will destroy you. Unlike the alpha males whose only limitation to the pack members is the ex-thing, the female alphas have more control over their packs. The men call themselves bros, but it’s always clear who the leader is. The women call it girl-squad, with a dictator for a leader. Therefore, another man-thing in a woman is that. The alpha thing. Women however take it way too far.

Do I need to talk about clothes? Football? Or some other sports generally associated with men? How about cooking? I don’t think so. You get my point.

What am I saying in all these? There is nothing so different in character between the man and woman. There is that aspect of the ‘man’ that will keep manifesting in the woman. Some, women hide pretty well.

Genesis 2: 23 And Adam said, this is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

I will leave you with that.

A Little Dawn In Sunset

This post will look at some changes that are happening with my friends, and the turning of new chapters. Changes so beautiful that I relate to a little dawn in sunset. And a good link at the end.

There is something about Kisumu, I really don’t know if I will say it’s the feeling of being home, or the warm weather (you can wear a vest at dawn in Kisumu), or the lake that stretches out wide to meet the heavens, or even the ass. There is ass in Kisumu, even though there might be a lower supply of face, you can never run short of ass. There are all type of asses (is this the plural of ass?) and they get eyes in droves. Looking at asses in Kisumu is like work to some. You don’t have to be out to note them, they are just calling for your attention. The other day, my cousin almost drove us into a ditch, because of looking at some ass. Damn it! I almost died because of an ass. I think I would be safe in Kisumu with a female driver, a straight one of course.

Another thing about being Kisumu is that your plans can change, and they change swiftly. I am flexible and good with impromptu stuff, a skill I learned in Kisumu. My plan was to get to the city, meet some few people, then go to Seme by the night. Instead, I found myself in Western Kenya and back to Kisumu, with Seme plans postponed until Sunday. I am now in Luanda. All these were not part of the plan.

Yesterday I met Princess, she is in Kisumu, after a very long time. I am yet to know what happens to me when I meet her because I still have to tell my stomach to keep check of the butterflies. We met and I bet even my stomach wanted to enjoy that beauty in peace. We called Elphas (our good friend) to join us for some bhajias. While having a chat, and catching up, he kept telling Princess, “I know you will write about this.” Princess can write about anything she experiences. I was with Elphas on that. However, she just laughed and said “don’t worry, I am good, but he might.” She was clearly referring to me.

Ladies and gentlemen, Elphas is single! I had to announce that. Even though to some break ups is no big deal, I saw him build that shit for years. He is not miserable (from what I saw), so I am being miserable on his behalf. In that spirit of brotherhood, I offered to help him out. One, I suggested we go out and drink hard, and maybe wake up the next day in an unfamiliar place with an appropriate ass next to him. This would have worked, except he doesn’t consume hard drinks. Two, I offered to go on a hunting spree, several rebounds would have been good for his body. He said he was already done with that phase. Unfortunately those were the only missiles I could get from my arsenal. (Paula, it would be good you write a note on behalf of Elphas to other eligible single ladies out there, it would be very good of you.) I have been single for over a year and it ain’t a joke, I know what it means. It also has it’s good side. It means freedom till you want something better than yourself.

Talking of good things, Paula Norah. One of the best people I have ever stumbled upon. Someone so dear to me, one of the most influential people in this son of the lake’s world. In this world, she is more popular than Uhuru or Raila. It is her birthday next week on 9th August, just hours after the general elections. She will be the last person to celebrate a birthday in Uhuru’s first term presidency.

So to my good friend and partner, I will be the first person to wish you a happy birthday (this am sure). You deserve to celebrate your day. The good work you have been doing here, keep it on in your next year. By the way, when you wake up and find this site looking better, mostly that’s her. If we could give you all a glimpse of the back door, you guys will feel sorry for her. She also comes through during those days when I feel like shit. That comes with the package of being a CEO, as I tell her.

I am wishing her a happy birthday this early because; One, I just like doing things first with her, Two, you never know what might happen with elections, we might lack connectivity and Three, she might not pick the call. So Paula Norah, like you say, you celebrate the whole month. Go ahead, do have the very best.

Your assignment, as our readers before we break for the election and get back here on 16th August, wish madam CEO a happy birthday and then you can catch her interview by Brian Mbanacho, one of the best creative writers in the country, here.

PROCASTINATION; MY UNDOING

My brother’s school is very close to our house. It’s literally a minute’s walk to that school. They had their prize giving day yesterday, a day that also counted as their official closing day. My elder sister was the parent for the day. As for my Mum and I we were to travel. Actually she was to travel but she extended an invitation in my direction and I said why not? For us to leave the estate, we have to pass through the school’s field. As we were passing, the MC or someone was calling out names of the kids receiving gifts. Best Student, Most improved. Then came the most discipline. And without even thinking, I quickly said ‘mummy hapo nae wako hayuko’ and to my surprise she was not even mad. Instead she added ‘ingekua ni naughtiest ningekubali…na si leo wamedrag hii event yao’.

It was only then that I realised it was already 1pm. Yet our scheduled departure time was 11am. This is where the relevance of the topic comes in. We were late. Not because I did something but because mum picked that day to be a tailor. Work she had procrastinated for months. If this thing is hereditary then I got it. And I got it big time.

My procrastination does not choose when to manifest itself. It can happen anytime.

Back when I was still a student, ok it’s just been a month but still, I was never on time for my classes. I tried, I failed. If I had a class at 10am, I knew deep down that I was supposed to start getting ready latest by 9am. But somehow I would convince myself that there was still time. I would end up getting ready past 10. At which point, I was already late. The same applied to studying where I would keep on telling myself ‘I will do it’. I would reassure myself of the abundant time available, only to end up doing it in the last minute. The only thing that motivated me was the last minute pressure associated with studying. But I have survived school; I should be able to handle anything.

While writing this, I have left a month-old pile of clothes back home that are in desperate need of my services. I know am supposed to do my laundry but somehow I keep finding clean clothes and that has sort of made me very lazy and succumb to the spirit of procrastination. A week ago, I told my sister to wake me up while she leaves for school so I can get time to do my laundry. She kept her word. She woke me up. I woke up, looked at the pile on the chair (you know that designated chair whose sole role in a house is to carry clothes that just can’t find their way to the wardrobes or wire lines? That chair), looked at the time, and told myself 30 more minutes of sleep won’t make a difference. Well a week down the line and here we are. This is just not right.

To prove just how much this is a problem let me give another scenario. I have known since my last post that I will be posting exactly after a fortnight. But what did I do about it? Nothing. I kept telling myself ‘there is still time’ over and over again that I believed it. Until there was no time and I just didn’t know which of the five unfinished stories I should focus on for publication. Since I could not decide, reality is I postponed even making the decision, I texted my partner Lewis to write this week instead. He wanted a reason. I mean how was I to tell him directly that my procrastination tendencies are closing in on me? So I evaded the question all together. I then told myself that by the end of Monday, I will have written something, we edit and wait for Wednesday to publish. Well, you’ve guessed right, I had nothing by the end of Monday. It’s not like I don’t have something to write. I have tonnes to write. Tonnes. I just can’t stop postponing.

In related news, I have a 100paged document I should be editing, and a business plan I should draft. Both of which I have not even started. I don’t know when to start. What I know is I should start. ASAP.

I love travelling, but only when it’s spontaneous. If it’s planned, I will just come up with the craziest excuse to push it. I should have been in Nakuru weeks ago, but I kept postponing that for weeks. Until there was no other chance. My problem is real.

Have you ever sent a message to someone and you are still waiting for an answer? It could be as you are reading this or even before. The wait could be any duration. From one minute to one day and to infinity. Well, I have this problem even with messages. Sometimes I get a message, I read it, I draft a reply in my head and tell myself I will get back later to reply. Then I just don’t. Because with procrastination, comes forgetting. It’s a very bad thing I know, but sometimes I just can’t help it. I am working on that though, it can be an emergency one day, right?

I am beginning to imagine my procrastination is fuelled by my deep love for doing nothing all the time. In other words known as laziness. One of my most peaceful moments apart from sleeping is when am doing nothing. There is no pressure in that. Because of this, I have a habit of cancelling things.

The other week I had a meeting in Maseno scheduled for 11am. I did my best to ensure am not late. But that procrastinating spirit embedded deep in my core kept telling me ‘how about we just push this meeting to I don’t know…later? Next week maybe…or just another time. Let’s just do nothing today’. I was almost making the call to cancel when the other party called and rescheduled it to half past 11am. It was the best the universe could give me for my dilemma. I took the deal.

It’s always said ‘denial is the first step of acceptance.’ I am done denying my procrastination. I now accept I have a problem. And am afraid it may be my undoing.

WHAT IF MY MUM BLOGGED ABOUT ME?

The other day we were having a talk with Princess; sharing on how friends and family are not into the business of sharing some stuff with us without having to remind us how we can turn anything into a story. I have a friend, whenever we are in a group, he tells the others to mind what they do or say because I might ‘broadcast them’. After doing a story on her house, how she was being deprived of sleep the day she decided to catch some, guys now think she will pull one again. Even I think that. Well, it’s good I don’t go saying things my Mum does to me. Like when I inform her of my birthday and the best she tells me is that she is busy. I am not planning to tell people about it. In fact, I won’t share it. I can’t tell on my mum, the spirits can not allow it. Well, what if she was the one doing the writing and had to write about me?

One thing that I know, if she were to keep a blog about me, she would definitely start from my birth. She won’t talk about the long nights they had before forming me, some things are better kept between the parties involved. She will dive straight to me causing her the wildest morning sickness she ever envisioned even in her wildest dreams, most definitely how she had dreamt about episodes of having me; how the thought of me growing inside her made her feel. The first time I kicked in her and how she went to share with Dad. She would go to him and tell him how his good work was kicking and strong. Then they would throw giggles at each other, as my Dad would move closer to the protruding belly to feel those kicks as well.

Some days after my birth and fast growing, she will wake up and talk about the relationships I keep. She would say how I was this soft collected kid. A kid who doesn’t pull tantrums at the wrong time and place, like a kid who throws tantrum when there is no one else in the vicinity. What is that? I mean when you want to pull a tantrum why not wait for visitors to come then pull the mother of all tantrums, you will definitely win. She would be taking the credits for making me grow in the right way. She will be talking about my first times, the first time I used potty, the first time the neighbor’s kid claimed that I hit him and the kind of talk that ensued between the parents. How I reacted when they brought home my younger brother and how after years, I would still breastfeed with my bro. I bet that explains the thing I have with boobs. You should also realize that denying me access to boobs is torture.

She must talk about my schooling life. The way I wore my school uniform for the first time ready to go to school only to return home crying that the sun was too much for me. If there is one thing that would have made me drop out of school when I was young, it was the sun. I mean if you have been to Kisumu, you understand what am talking about. I think scientists are right when they claim that the sun first hits the ground before it bounces back on us. Even though experiments rarely use human specimen, I am a walking experiment. I was able to beat the sun, am convinced nothing can stop me in my journey of knowledge acquisition now. I have this feeling that I am going to learn a lot and that I have some years of ‘class’ ahead. I also know my mum would muse over the report form talks we had. How I was a bright student (all parents thinks their kids are bright) who couldn’t just do it right, by right I mean ‘top 3.’ I do believe that explains the reasons why letters attended most of my parent days if not all.

One day she might decide to humor her readers by telling them stories of how she always won any ‘war’ between mother and son. She will talk about her eldest son asking her to pay back her debts. Debts that were actually her own money if you did a critical audit trail, therefore justifying her refusal to pay. She would write about how sometimes her attempts to instill discipline in her son were translated as wrong doings, and how she saw no point in apologizing for such moments.

How about the dreams she has for me? I do believe that parents have a given way that they picture their kids growing. They have everything laid out in their minds. How you should grow, how you will be wearing, the kind of people you should interact with, the kind of courses you will study, the life you lead and at what age. I know she would write about how worried she is that I am done with campus yet I have never taken someone home. How her efforts to try hook me up with ladies before has failed. I tell you if those attempted hook ups were to all to go through, then I would be a man of many ladies at the moment. I mean how can you afford to break a heart that is given to you by your Mum. Isn’t that the epitome of disrespect? I know she will be sharing how concerned she got when she had to inquire if my brother can be able to be laid in my house. In short, if I had chapni to officially open it. Given that she is free spirited, I don’t think she had a hard time asking, it’s only that she was getting worried I might to be slow. Which parent wishes for a slow kid for the elder son?

I know she won’t miss sharing on the way things are panning out as compared to the life she had envisioned for me. How she feels when at some point, I display the characters that shows that I am inclined to my Dad’s side. How does it feel like raising a kid she doesn’t want turning out like the love of her life? I mean how it feels when the best warning you can give to a son is, “this line that I see you take, I see you turning out like your dad.” Some days she will also talk of the times that I make her proud. The times when I do things until she feels like being a mum, to me specifically, is the best thing that ever happened to her.

I can tell you if my mum was to blog about me, the rants, the advices, the moments and just everything she would want to tell the world about me would be too much. She would name her blog something fancy like www.adailydoseoflewismartin.com. This is something she would think about daily, because she will be posting after an interval of 24hours. I know she would make many parents want to be parents and just have kids to share their lives with. She would have a good supportive audience and will be making her life from that point. She would feed me by writing about me.

Well, for now she doesn’t have a blog. She only has me. I run a blog where I can write things about her like I just did this. She doesn’t know about it just yet, she won’t even know I thought of her blogging about me. I would say my mum is more of this old school in a cool way. She is into everything modern except tech. How cool is that? My little bro knows how to take advantage of that. He once told some clingy lady trying to get to him through my Mum, “please don’t disturb my Mum, she is old, she can’t even read the texts you send her.” I won’t even have to worry about making sure we aren’t friends on social media because we never know when I can get wild. Now I am imaging when I explain to her my blog. She will tell me, “I bust my ass to pay all that money in campus for you, expecting to see you in television or the Standard and Nation only for you to come here with this joke!!” So for the sake of peace, let me keep this until I have had a good reason to present it to her. A better reason other than passion and from time to time touching lives.

All in all, if my Mum blogged about me, it would be the blog to watch for. It would give many a run for their money.