Sexanigans

Ed Sheeran’s club is not the best place to find love so the bar is where I go is definitely not your regular Kenyan line. It is just out of sync with you, the typical Kenyan man.

Keeping that mind, can we have a chat?

Of late I am a regular in a bar, in fact they are almost knowing me by name and favourite spot. The only problem is I don’t talk a lot. I keep cool and stay humble, mostly because I am never the buyer. In fact, one time a bar maid came over to me and notably enquired, “Mbona weh mtulivu hivi?” (Insert Tanzanian accent). The spirits from the bottle were already having conversations in my head so I just flash her a smile and chuckled. She however proceeded to ask, “Kwani weh ni pastor umekuja night service?”

Thank goodness my sponsor was at hand to pick up the conversation. Those guys in my head were having a very heated debate and I was enjoying it. I didn’t want to miss the point where one was going to lose then wear a smirk face and hurl, ”maybe we needed better judges next time!” Before adding some unprintable terms to foot it more. People are yet to learn to take defeats in grace.

Fast forward to this fateful day, I am in my second favorite bar, keen not to drink too much as I am not yet over my hangover from the other day. I had become a wreckage of a person. My guy had got me a whole mzinga (anyone who buys you a mzinga doesn’t like you, they don’t have your interests at heart, keep them forever). Thanks goodness it was a bit pricey alcohol. I did not wake up cursing alcohol. And please I don’t want to hear about alcohol limits and shit.

I am in the company of a lady with the skin of groundnuts, donning a greenish dera that flows to the ankle, with a white tuburn on the head, and a stud on the nose. She looks like she shouldn’t be here, until she opens her mouth to get out an already alcohol altered speech. She speaks a lot and anytime she says a Luo word or phrase she interprets it to me. Guys I told you I look more like a Russian than a Luo you couldn’t get it.

She seems to be taking a keen interest on me as she suddenly slips to my side then says, ”I am Violet, what’s your name?”

Yours Truly, and I am taking you home with me tonight. My Samantha is broken so maybe I would use some drunk hands for a change.

Now this is the night I realized I can be a Lewy, Lewisky, Lewiso, to one person in a single night. All this time the lady is showing clear intent, or maybe she was just enjoying having my alcohol. But in my mind I was like, ”please not tonight, father take this bird away from me, you don’t have to let this happen to me the second straight day without hitting the shower. It would be a shame if you let her win the third straight month before I take a shave. Please, please this is not the night.”

Pap! My prayer gets answered instantly. A fight ensues.

A man is holding with an intent to crush the throat of another guy and people are frantically moving to separate them. But why are they fighting? They are fighting over a lady. At last one is thrown out while the other remains throwing curse words around. I believe that decision was made solely on the likelihood of purchasing power. I drink at cheap places, where the so perceived big purchasers can be that desperate.

Apparently the lady being fought over is an acquaintance to this lass and she had to go check if she is okay. I could enjoy freedom again.

“Bwana mimi, mimi mtu asicheze na mimi. Me naweza ua mtu. Huyo boy mngemwacha tu na mimi kidogo, sahi roho yake ingekuwa kwa mkono yake,” the retained man direct that to me, immediately he settles on the seat next to me that by now, had become vacant. I ignore him! I wasn’t going to massage his ego. He turns to the next person and says that very statement, and to anyone else in the bar who would care to listen.

Sitting next to him was proving worse than accessing a site that takes ages to load. So at one point, I am like maybe this man is truly infuriated and he would sure be holding this other guy’s heart by now like he threatens. So maybe I need to talk to him lest I become the next object of intent.

“Kwani huyo boy amekukosea sana?” I asked him for lack of a better way to start the conversation.

“Eeh bana, na me nakuambia huyo mtu ameponea sana.”

“Shida iko wapi?”

“Huyo mtu anacheza aje na mshichana wangu!!” He retorts while repeatedly stabbing her chest with the index finger.

“Kama ni mshichana wako basi hiyo hata mimi naona hauko vibaya sana.”

“Me akianani ningemuua!!”

Have you seen a drunk man curse before? Most probably yeah. Most of them with issues do it a lot. Like this one.

“Sah ulileta mshichana hapa na mtu akakuja ati anasema ni girlfriend wake?”

“Hapana nimempata hapa. Na ananipenda.”

“Anakupenda yenye mnaenda kuoana?”

“Banah Kwani weh uelewi hizi vitu. Me namwoa aje na niko na bibi kwa nyumba. Hii tu ni kitu ya sahi”

Okay, let’s get this right. So a man is swearing all over that they will indeed kill someone else over a basic bitch in a bar for sex? Well, talk might be cheap, but I saw that guy hold his nemesis’ neck.

For what again!

A whole new level of being DUMB.

Here is the thing, I believe there are things that you are allowed to kill someone over. Like when you have a ridiculously ugly head shape like me here, then they tell you to your face. You are allowed to collect your arsenal and come clear someone. When they get boring, kill them before they kill you with boredom. It’s self-defense. But never about sex.

Sex is one of the most overrated acts in this earth.

Sex cannot build you anything worthwhile. Sex will not help get our forests back, meaning we will have sex and still die of drought. Sex cannot repay our national debts. It can’t even cure procrastination. Sex does not give meaning to anything except to sex itself.

To kill over that?

Again why would you kill or injure someone over something that is overflowing. There are times one will experience dry spell for months and wonder even if it’s possible for a man to have sex maybe once every month. But that point when you will have three people in a day, and you never broke a sweat to have, is when you will know how valueless or worthless this shit can get.

Also is somebody’s life worth something that you can be able to achieve with your own hands? As long as you have a good internet on your hand, and a lubrication on the other, then you would have achieved your way to ejaculation land.

Well, let’s say you hit someone over a lady and you win. You proudly get your slay on the chopping board only for the tools to fail you. It happens! You work hard, you do everything right, you have been touched well, and the weapon of massive destruction is rearing to go. The atomic bomb wants to down Nagasaki and Hiroshima. Then one word or one phrase, and the flag goes immediately from full swing to half must to zero.

Ohh boy, will you not get frustrated! Nothing frustrates like a penis that is flaccid and numb in the face of a welcoming vagina.

You will try recalling all the atrocities you have committed before, the hands that might be working against you, and even ask imaginary forgiveness for the first lady whose heart you broke. Just like that, you would have hit your fellow man for what’s not worth it.

I understand there is this phenomenon on good sex. That it possesses you. It messes with your thinking. You see people do things unimaginable, like sell a prime family land in Kitengela to come spoil a lady in the city. I don’t believe it’s love. It’s the sex. I mean, good pussy will make you beat another guy for just looking at her.

Well, that is a different case, excusable by all measurable standards. How about in a case where you have just met a bitch in a bar? You fight your way to stardom, you leave your guy behind writhing in pain and cursing ever drinking. You make the good man sin by contemplating leaving alcohol (punishable in the court of wrong men) only for you to end up being taken to Lake Victoria you swim for a whole night.

Here is where we officially discard the Ed Sheeran lyrics. We are not going to find love in the bar.

Men we must stop being selfish. Let’s learn to share. Like when we get to a point where we want the same thing. Let’s talk about it. Let’s agree who between us it suits the most and why. If at all you hit a dead end and you can’t agree on either side. Go ahead agree on a three some. Some new experience won’t hurt. By the end of the day you will all be good to go.

It’s also not like you are even going to invent anything new when having sex. There are only four sex styles, and that won’t change today, the next generation or forever. We have the missionary for we the boring types. Girl on top for those trying to enjoy sex. You will go the doggy way to avoid facing your mistakes. Ultimately a variation of all of those when trying to be a fun person.

Some of us have a proven record of prosperity being side guys, more than being the main shit. So we can always talk and agree who is worthy of being the side guy and who takes the crown at side nigga.

By the end of the day let no man hit, contemplate killing or even do any harm to another man over some 10 minute (yeah I don’t do a lot) strokes.
PS. I never miss a chance to have sex. some drunk hands for a change.

Now this is the night I realized I can be a Lewy, Lewisky, Lewiso, to one person in a single night. All this time the lady is showing clear intent, or maybe she was just enjoying having my alcohol. But in my mind I was like, ”please not tonight, father take this bird away from me, you don’t have to let this happen to me the second straight day without hitting the shower. It would be a shame if you let her win the third straight month before I take a shave. Please, please this is not the night.”

Pap! My prayer gets answered instantly. A fight ensues.

A man is holding with an intent to crush the throat of another guy and people are frantically moving to separate them. But why are they fighting? They are fighting over a lady. At last one is thrown out while the other remains throwing curse words around. I believe that decision was made solely on the likelihood of purchasing power. I drink at cheap places, where the so perceived big purchasers can be that desperate.

Apparently the lady being fought over is an acquaintance to this lass and she had to go check if she is okay. I could enjoy freedom again.

“Bwana mimi, mimi mtu asicheze na mimi. Me naweza ua mtu. Huyo boy mngemwacha tu na mimi kidogo, sahi roho yake ingekuwa kwa mkono yake,” the retained man direct that to me, immediately he settles on the seat next to me that by now, had become vacant. I ignore him! I wasn’t going to massage his ego. He turns to the next person and says that very statement, and to anyone else in the bar who would care to listen.

Sitting next to him was proving worse than accessing a site that takes ages to load. So at one point, I am like maybe this man is truly infuriated and he would sure be holding this other guy’s heart by now like he threatens. So maybe I need to talk to him lest I become the next object of intent.

“Kwani huyo boy amekukosea sana?” I asked him for lack of a better way to start the conversation.

“Eeh bana, na me nakuambia huyo mtu ameponea sana.”

“Shida iko wapi?”

“Huyo mtu anacheza aje na mshichana wangu!!” He retorts while repeatedly stabbing her chest with the index finger.

“Kama ni mshichana wako basi hiyo hata mimi naona hauko vibaya sana.”

“Me akianani ningemuua!!”

Have you seen a drunk man curse before? Most probably yeah. Most of them with issues do it a lot. Like this one.

“Sah ulileta mshichana hapa na mtu akakuja ati anasema ni girlfriend wake?”

“Hapana nimempata hapa. Na ananipenda.”

“Anakupenda yenye mnaenda kuoana?”

“Banah Kwani weh uelewi hizi vitu. Me namwoa aje na niko na bibi kwa nyumba. Hii tu ni kitu ya sahi”

Okay, let’s get this right. So a man is swearing all over that they will indeed kill someone else over a basic bitch in a bar for sex? Well, talk might be cheap, but I saw that guy hold his nemesis’ neck.

For what again!

A whole new level of being DUMB.

Here is the thing, I believe there are things that you are allowed to kill someone over. Like when you have a ridiculously ugly head shape like me here, then they tell you to your face. You are allowed to collect your arsenal and come clear someone. When they get boring, kill them before they kill you with boredom. It’s self-defense. But never about sex.

Sex is one of the most overrated acts in this earth.

Sex cannot build you anything worthwhile. Sex will not help get our forests back, meaning we will have sex and still die of drought. Sex cannot repay our national debts. It can’t even cure procrastination. Sex does not give meaning to anything except to sex itself.

To kill over that?

Again why would you kill or injure someone over something that is overflowing. There are times one will experience dry spell for months and wonder even if it’s possible for a man to have sex maybe once every month. But that point when you will have three people in a day, and you never broke a sweat to have, is when you will know how valueless or worthless this shit can get.

Also is somebody worth something that you can be able to achieve with your own hands? As long as you have a good internet on your hand, and a lubrication on the other, then you would have achieved your way to ejaculation land.

Well, let’s say you hit someone over a lady and you win. You proudly get your slay on the chopping board only for the tools to fail you. It happens! You work hard, you do everything right, you have been touched well, and the weapon of massive destruction is rearing to go. The atomic bomb wants to down Nagasaki and Hiroshima. Then one word or one phrase, and the flag goes immediately from full swing to half must to zero.

Ohh boy, will you not get frustrated! Nothing frustrates like a penis that is flaccid and numb in the face of a welcoming vagina.

You will try recalling all the atrocities you have committed before, the hands that might be working against you, and even ask imaginary forgiveness for the first lady whose heart you broke. Just like that, you would have hit your fellow man for what’s not worth it.

I understand there is this phenomenon on good sex. That it possesses you. It messes with your thinking. You see people do things unimaginable, like sell a prime family land in Kitengela to come spoil a lady in the city. I don’t believe it’s love. It’s the sex. I mean, good pussy will make you beat another guy for just looking at her.

Well, that is a different case, excusable by all measurable standards. How about in a case where you have just met a bitch in a bar? You fight your way to stardom, you leave your guy behind writhing in pain and cursing ever drinking. You make the good man sin by contemplating leaving alcohol (punishable by…) only for you to end up being taken to Lake Victoria you swim for a whole night.

Here is where we officially discard the Ed Sheeran lyrics. We are not going to find love in the bar.

Men we must stop being selfish. Let’s learn to share. Like when we get to a point where we want the same thing. Let’s talk about it. Let’s agree who between us it suits the most and why. If at all you hit a dead end and you can’t agree on either side. Go ahead agree on a three some. Some new experience won’t hurt. By the end of the day you will all be good to go.

It’s also not like you are even going to invent anything new when having sex. There are only four sex styles, and that won’t change today, the next generation or forever. We have the missionary for we the boring types. Girl on top for those trying to enjoy sex. You will go the doggy way to avoid facing your mistakes. Ultimately a variation of all of those when trying to be a fun person.

Some of us have a proven record of prosperity being side guys, more than being the main shit. So we can always talk and agree who is worthy of being the side guy and who takes the crown at side nigga.

By the end of the day let no man hit, contemplate killing or even do any harm to another man over some 10 minute (yeah I don’t do a lot) strokes.

PS. I never miss a chance to have sex.


4 Comments

  • Rehema Zuberi

    February 28, 2018

    Well well well, I’m under Wi-Fi and saw it wise to leave a comment here. I had a hard time following through to the end but I’ve read most of it. I’m sorry to say but it didn’t do it for me 😑

    Reply
    • Lewis Martin

      March 29, 2018

      Thanks for the feedback. Return next week. I will have got to those heights. Take my word.

      Reply
  • Agnes Opondo

    March 1, 2018

    Lewy, Lewisky, Lewiso. Hahaha! This is one of those pieces.

    Reply
    • Lewis Martin

      March 29, 2018

      Eheheh yeah, these pieces happen from time to time.

      Reply

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