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Officially 29

If at all shit had gone according to plan, I would have been in Kisumu over the weekend. But no, it never did. With me, things can fail to go to plan any minute. Before I get to the destination, my presence there is not guaranteed. I can go cold turkey on anyone or anything at any time. I do it often.

Only fools don’t change their minds and I ain’t no fool.

I had called my mum and told her, “I am looking to come this weekend, though I am not sure.”

“Well, just do what you want.” See, my mum is just like me. Or is it the other way round? “If you in the moods come, if not then just let it go.”

Well, I had been in the mood until she told me I have an option. I started looking for reasons not to go. In that very point, the roommate asks me, “I heard you say you will be traveling.”

“Yeah, but now I am not sure,” I said

“You don’t have to. Kwanza hii si weather ya kutravel.” She said

Ladies and gentlemen, nobody wanted me to travel. So I dropped it.

Yet again, on that very weekend, if at all shit had gone according to the next plan, I would have been at the Tuskys BuruBuru having some stupid lunch with a chick. She decided to stay off the whole day.

Ohh boy wasn’t that a good one! Me being stood up. Imagine missing traveling home only to be stood up by a bitch. I am used to being stood up though. I have been stood up before. It seems I do allow them much time to realize they are too good for me.

Most times I feel sore when stood up. Everybody does. But on this fateful day, I was lucky someone went missing on me, coz now I am at a café with a beauty I am meeting for the first time.

A peek in the mirror at the top of the table we occupying, you would notice the wavy front part of her hair dyed golden, giving blackout to the rest of the laid back dark parts. She moves her hand, and for the first time, I notice the slim silver watch she has on. At this moment she is hysterically reacting to something I have just uttered. She has been howling with laughter most of the time.

I suppose I should tell you how we got here.

The other day my guy called me informing me that he had given some bird documents I should be picking for him. “Man I am busy,” I said in a bid to be convinced more. It’s something I just do. “You know I won’t find time to get to her.”

“You definitely will.” He said. “You know what else you can do apart from picking the documents. In fact, that’s why am sending her to you.”

I was surprised coz my guy had outlawed me from getting new catches. In fact, he had threatened to tell any lady I brought around, that I was happily dating. But here he is setting me up for a goddamn date. He thought that only one person is right for me.

Anyway, I said yeah without divulging into that. When your guy gets you shit, just know it’s real.

“In the meantime, I doubt if you will like her that much.” He said

“What do you mean?”

“We both know that you can barely stand anything without boobs.” He was chuckling, “Though the figure compensates for any loss.”

Today I don’t want to talk about boobs. I am not in the moods. I don’t want to talk about the things they do to me. I will just brush over it. Okay, boobs kill me. They sure do. Those are sacred stuff and I can only talk about them when I am well in the moods.

Well, here we are at the cafe grazing on some fries and soda, the entire good figure, pretty face and all cracking at my jokes.

She has a white dress with black flowery spots, allowing a good view of the good pair of legs, her skin the color of coffee, she has a little scar on the forehead. She got it from a bus accident in high school. You would think scars made people look a little scary. No, this was different. It looked so damn fascinating.  It made her look even prettier. I would look at it intensely in the mirror than I would when I looked over the tip of her glasses.

We talked for long. Way past the time we had anticipated. I enjoyed the time we were together. We parted ways and said we should do that often. I was looking forward to it. I really was. I wanted to see her again. And again. And again. Do you get what I am saying?

Later, from my usual weekend drinking sprees, I gave my boy a buzz.

“How did it go.” He asked.

“What has she said?” I reverted. I don’t know why I like answering questions using other questions.

“She said you are handsome, though young.”

These are a set of words I am used to hearing. I just didn’t believe they were from her. I was concerned with the young part. We talked some more with my guy trying to analyze the meaning of that review. Until we agreed I talk to her.

I gave her a buzz. We talked for some time. I ran out of airtime. We reverted to WhatsApp. Drunk as I was, I felt excited that I could at least get my spellings right.

You are lucky if I ever drunk call you. I only do that shit if I like you hella lot.

“I want to ask you something, can I?” she texts almost immediately. I knew what was coming. Just wasn’t ready to face it.

“Allow me to ask you a question first.” I reverted.

“You have to answer this first.”

I gave the green light.

“How old are you?” I was still giving it a thought when she adds, “be sincere.”

It’s obvious that I was going to be nothing but sincere if I answered. My only problem was the question itself.

Guys we have talked about age before. I gave you a lot of shit about how I don’t give a fuck about age and all. I thought we were done. But you guys never felt the same. You felt that I should find some young lass and settle with. That might be what seems right, I accept. But somehow right just doesn’t happen to me. I keep attracting older people. I never plan these things. They just happen. Maybe it’s an abnormality with me. I don’t know.

Anyway, after some rounds of dodging I tell her, “I am turning 12; I just act way out of my age.”

Yeah, somehow I think it’s true. I act way out of my age. Several people think am 26. At times I have passed for 30 (a nightclub). Personally, she thought am 24. How wrong can people get?

“Get serious.” That was her telling me to cut the crap. At least she was not like these other dumb blocks I am used to in my contacts. Most people I talk to are dumb. I can get away with several dumb answers. I am also dumb as fuck.  Barely 3 people in my contact list aren’t dumb. Plus this, now 4.

“It’s me you want na unanijibu hivo. Do you think it will work for you?” Ohh boy wasn’t she riled up!

“I am just trying to be me right now. I don’t know how to be serious.” I said.

We went through some more messages until we got to another pothole on the road, “Are you ready to settle? You look very young, you have like 10 more years with different girlfriends to finally settle”

I said yes. For settling. It cracks me up when I think about it.

The thing is whatever she asked me I was set to say yes. Even you could have said yes. Every time I remembered her cute legs. I wanted to scream yes. How I wanted to meet her again. And Again. And again. I was going to say yes.

She would ask me to have a pencil in my eardrum and a finger in my throat at the same time. I would say yes.

So guys listen, let’s forget all this crap about having breathed the air of the earth for almost 23 years now.

I am officially 29.

Si 29 sounds better than those other years? It looks like a resting place in the growing age where you rest and take one last look at your life and vividly see you now want to settle. By that time one has faced all the shitty talks from parents, relatives and friends alike on the need to get married.

Ladies my type out here want serious people who are ready to settle. I am now that guy.

So what do 29-year-old guys do in their pastime? Do they drink from Thursdays to Mondays? I want to learn the craft of being 29 years old. I want to speak like they do. Think like they do. Though I hope people still don’t go to church at that age.

But definitely, a 29-year-old wouldn’t ask her mum whether to travel or not.

Are they already losing hair from the middle parts of their heads? That shit’s ugly as hell.

Or guys, just get me a manual on how to be a great 29-year-old.

In the meantime, I have sent her this. For the past 24 hours, I have been waiting for her to be online to see it as I wait for my fate. Maybe that might help build my case.

I only did that when she refused all my advances at meeting one on one again. I know how to handle stuff one on one. But guys I told you she isn’t dumb.

New Lewis Martin birthday update; 01/01/1989.


Being someone who lives life on the fast lane, I don’t think things over. I believe in doing them first and thinking later or even failing to think altogether. I suspect when I think first, I would persuade myself out of it (happens with my writing all the time). But then we all know that regret for the things we do can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we do not do that is inconsolable. Dating has never been an exception.

One of my recent adventures gave me something to think about though. So for the first time I am thinking about age in relation to dating and relationships. In this case I was talking with a lady I actually had intentions of making moves (smooth or otherwise) on.

With my permit for story on approved, we join the story in progress.

Her:  So there are screenshots I want to bring to our attention (winking emoji)

Me: Eheh go ahead

Her:  (sends two social media profiles) Open mind (winking emoji)

Me: Okay, I can see, go ahead

Her: What’s your take on age and relationship…genuinely…? Like you’ve not seen those screenshots.

Me: I saw the screenshots and can’t see what’s up.  With me I am not pro age. It is important, but it is just a number.  What’s your take?

This is someone I have been talking with for some time. She found me witty and really fun. She thought I am someone worth knowing more about. After doing her stalking (she made open her impeccable stalking skills) it dawns on her that I am a year younger. At this point she was going all out. Like she had seen the biggest turn off ever.

She was gearing to drop my ass so hard. Emanating noise would be magnitudes louder than thunder. Buildings would shake like biscuits shaken in a box. Glasses smashed. Books falling off shelves. It was to be terrifying. Tarmac would crack with cars on top. Electric poles would fall, lights sparkling all over. Squirrels would jump to their gods of rodents for redemption. In that moment I had instantly gone from sexable to invisible.

While many people would want to lie or even create an illusion of being older, I don’t do that. I am someone who accepts things they can’t change. No one has control over the time they are born. Not even the people they are born of. So all I do is take time to understand why someone would think that my age is a turn off. Here is how that conversation ended;

Her:  (several laughter emoji)…but I can’t really say it works because av not dated older men… So I guess ni mentality nimekuwa nayo.

Her:  I just wanted to talk about this…rather than have it lingering

I had retained my place as sexable. No earthquake is happening. I can’t be responsible for the first 7.0 magnitude earthquake in Kenya.

Society has created a mental picture revolving around age differences. Most of the time people feel wrong when they start developing feelings for people outside their age bracket. The society wants to make you feel that dating an older person is mainly for material gains and not love. Well, you could still date someone your age for reasons other than love.

Several people choose their relationship partners based on different criteria. I don’t know how a guy wakes up one day and decide that he is all about ass. That a great ass cannot let him settle, it makes them uncontrollably giddy, and super excited. Some will go the boob’s way. Juicy boobs look to him so inviting. He just wants to hold, caress and appreciate. The world can keep its supermodels, anorexic looking as they are.

Is it hereditary? Like my liking for BBW a trait passed to me from my dad who got it from my grandpa who also got it from the people before him. Like one of my ancestors would send guys out to bring a woman home with clear instructions. She must have things I can hold to when I fall asleep. Or maybe am just compensating for my small body, who knows? Or even worse I am looking for a parental figure. Whatever it is, to me there is something disarming about big women. Without lingerie their boobs sit lower, more natural less close together and look so perfectly molded.

Many people have age as a factor in deciding whom they date. The media has also portrayed age to be a big factor in the relationships people have. It has revered men for having younger partners, while castigating older women for having younger spouses.

Emmanuel Macron, France’s youngest president hit the headlines more for his marriage with the 64 year old first lady. Instead of praising Macron and Brigitte, the media cast bad light on the first lady. Some people in France went ahead to sign a petition barring Brigitte from becoming the official France’s first lady. But how about in reversed roles where the man is older? Trump and Melanie’s age difference has never been a hot topic. It did not even make the man to almost miss the top seat. You are left wondering, what has someone’s love life got to do with their leadership skills?

The Kenyan society has had its fair share on the age difference debate. The most mentioned one is the wedding between the former Mau Mau freedom fighter Wambui Otieno and Mbugua. The 67 year old Wambui kissed with the 25 year old Mbugua on live television. Did you think romance dies with age? Wambui’s daughters boycotted the wedding while Mbugua’s mother refused to accept Wambui as her daughter in law. She later on collapsed and died.  It was that serious.

We often put up walls and flee for the mountains, but before shutting the door on the chance at love, think about your potential lover’s maturity level. If you both are on the same level of maturity, don’t let the attached age number cloud your decision.

How many times have you heard the phrase, “act your age”? It means that the society expects you to behave in a certain way at a given age. Well, that is not the case with everyone. People experience life in different ways making growth different in people. You can be 22 years old with the mindset of a 42 year old or vice versa. This is to say that time is just a human created concept.

One of my all time favorite writers Oyunga Pala also had a very sober look at age that you will definitely  like. He likened it to a Jail cell being just a room

So age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course you happen to be a bottle of wine.